After reading a very amusing blog by this guy: https://okalrightalready.wordpress.com/ who describes with hilarity the various people that he has come to loathe in the working world, I was inspired to write my own version of this, based on the genres of people you may encounter in the gym world. These are my thoughts when witnessing them in action.
People of the gym. (written in love and only lighthearted mockery)
Dude, your weights are too heavy for you. You are scaring me with your lack of a spotter, and I fear for your skeletal system.
Pick up some slightly lighter weights, and regain some form. No-one wants to be privy to your impending hernia.
The Leery Guy
To quote Patrick Swayze “this is my dance space, that is yours. You don’t come into mine and I don’t come into yours”
Hello L.G I see you there, oh look you are coming over to me. What’s that? Yes, I am nearly done, thankyou for asking. I can sense you want to use this machine, however I still have a set to do. Obviously that wasn’t clear as you are still standing really really close to me. Stop smiling like that, I am confused as to whether you are enjoying watching me or trying to intimidate me. Both feel uncomfortable. Screw it, lets call it an even two sets. *runs away* L.G then proceeds to not use the machine and instead starts chatting to fellow gym buddies. I am genuinely confused as to what just unfolded.
The Creative Treadmill-er
There’s that one gym member who is obviously bored with conventional running so they choose to use the treadmill to challenge both gravity and personal safety concurrently. Example: Backwards running on the treadmill. Have you ever used a treadmill? Backwards treadmill running is, to say the least, not natural. It requires some kind of disturbing mental process which if done incorrectly can cause unfavourable consequences. Like a broken neck. Maybe I’m just too in my comfort zone…
The Steroidy Guy
In he walks.. his arm veins entering the room moments before he does. If you squint, he looks like a skinny guy in a muscle man suit (his traps look like the tops of his shoulders, trust me, once you see it, you can’t unsee it if you know what I mean).
There’s not much to say about extreme steroid guy (E.S.G) he is impressive, yet cartoonish. It’s like watching a car crash. You can’t look away. I have suddenly become Leery Guy.
This can either be a variation of E.S.G or the girl who has lost all her body fat which inevitably means the loss and re-creation of her boobies. I have no judgement of this girl. I want to figure out a way of non-Leery-Guy-approaching her and asking a bunch of questions. Like, how much did it cost, how did you convince your partner (if applicable) to let you do it, will you be my bff and come to the consultation appointment with me… I have as yet not figured out how to broach this with any dignity.
The smelly guy
There is always a minimum of three of these at the uni gym. I know that sweating is a normal part of working out. But this is a different kettle of fish (which seems appropriate). When I am on one side of the gym, and you are on the other, and I can smell you…. thats a sign that you need to learn how to wash your gym gear. It is not a sign that you are committed to your workout, it is a sign that you should have listened to your mum when she tried to teach you the skills of how to CLEAN stuff before you left home. I would feel bad for you if I could breathe through my nose.
The obsessive weigher
These chicks make me feel sad. They get on the scales, and get off the scales. They take their shoes off and get back on. They get off and remove their sweatshirt and get back on. Honestly, they have practically completed a workout just by participating in this process. Plus, they are usually really skinny. I want to hug these girls, but Patrick Swazye tells me that is not cool.
It’s pretty commonplace knowledge that girls like to partake in gym chat. That’s all good. It’s the dudes that hang around a machine, usually in no less than threes, and laugh and yarn about how ‘super wasted we got in the weekend’. Dude one says to Dude three “I puked so hard this morning! *high five* but, you know… leg day”. *high five*.
Now this has two-fold implications for me. 1) I too was intending to do leg day, but you are all standing around the machine I was hoping to use (NOT using it, might I point out) and 2) I am very scared that you are going to eventually leg press your way into round two of the post-drinking- session vom. *runs away*
Don’t let me put you off though. The gym is a great place. Where would we be without the social eccentricities in life.
Maybe you are one.