I usually write a post about Christmas at this time.

It’s usually not really about the joy and the gratitude, but rather the stress and the hostility. But I’m not going to do that this year. This year is going to be different. This year, I plan to be zen as f*ck.

How have I come to this decision you ask? What, pray tell is my secret to the shedding off of the bah humbug in lieu of a merrier Christmas?

I just decided.That’s all.

It may be my last Christmas with all three of my teenagers (because they are probably going to move out, not because I’m dying or going to prison), so I thought I should try to make it less stressful.

Of course my body hasn’t quite got the memo and I’ve managed to feel increasingly tired and get my period twice in one month (which never NEVER happens, so naturally I texted J and told him I was probably dying, to which he replied that no, I probably wasn’t  dying).

ANYWAY, we have the tree, which so far is on a lean, is too short, and looks like it’s on the piss (too-many-metaphors). So far all that is under it is an empty wine bottle, but that’s mostly because A) I don’t trust the kids not to feel the presents and ruin all the surprises (like 3 surprises) and B) because an empty wine bottle is confusing to everyone, which is fun for me.

And while we are on the subject of periods (were we?) I was walking out of the supermarket today with 12 pack  of beers in one arm, and a giant 12 pack of loo paper in the other, and it occurred to me: How come it is less embarrassing to walk through the carpark with  a giant pack of loo paper than it would be with a giant pack of tampons?

I mean, hello? Everyone knows what you’re gunna do with that loo paper. I mean really, it’s RIGHT next door to the other thing (if you follow). Why is one bodily fluid worse than another?!

Ok, you don’t have to think about that for too long, but it is kind of interesting for about the time it takes to get from the supermarket to your car.

So back to Christmas.

This year, so far, I haven’t even asked for a bottle of tequila (birthdays don’t count. You should ALWAYS ask for a bottle of tequila for your birthday.)

I would say this is massive progress from last year which was a massive progress on the year before. All in all I would say the holiday mood trajectory is showing a positive upward trend.

The only thing that gets consistently harder is knowing what to buy teenage boys for Christmas. It used to be toys. Toys that I would then have to throw out a few months later because NOTHING IS QUALITY ANYMORE!

I’m hoping that when one of them answered my requests for ideas with “how bout an ounce” he was kidding…. I have no idea where to get an ounce from.

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